Rumours as news

Zimbabwe is a land of rumours and misinformation. Most rumours are eye-rollingly infuriating while others are very disappointing - I’m thinking especially of the ones that I file under “Petty-bickering-between-the-two-MDC-formations” in this case. And within that category there are some that I file in the sub-section “Damaging-and-destructive-and-politically-immature”, and others under the sub-section “For-heaven’s-sake-get-over-it-and-save-our-country”.

There are rumours that, even if you KNOW they are probably rumours, you can’t help but start asking others if they know more details, just in case there is some truth to it, and in that way do your own bit to pass the rumour on. In this case I am thinking of the many times we have heard of Mugabe’s imminent demise through ill health, or deals being signed, or Mugabe on the brink of resigning.

The man, I think, is old, but as fit as a fiddle, and the rest … well, you know the rest.

Then there are the rumours that just amuse me.

Today I received an email from someone in Harare titled ‘Have you heard what happened to Mnangagwa?’.  I assumed immediately that this was going to be a rumour that he had fatally collided ‘with a black dog’ while driving his car somewhere - as so many of Mugabe’s ministers seem to have done in the past.

But no. Apparently Manangagwa threw his toys out the cot and fell into fisti-cuffs with Chinamasa and Mugabe at a meeting, resulting in himself being beaten up in response. I was informed in the email that this was reliable news: it came via a ‘friend‘ who heard it from ‘someone else‘ who was talking to a ‘big-wig‘ at a garage. I was told ‘everyone knows‘. This fight happened, I was told, because Mnangagwa is furious with Mugabe for signing the deal.

(Those of you who are several days ahead of me probably already know where this is going… but sorry, I only got it today).

I spent about twenty minutes amusing myself visualising the fight.

If there was a physical altercation - and I found it very hard to believe there was - I imagine it would be a hissy-fit-cat-spitting type of affair. Not the kind of fight where cats level their ears, snarl their lips up to their eyebrows and swell their tails to toilet-brush sizes before yowling and really going for it with fangs and claws. The kind of hissy-spitty-fight I’m imagining is the kind where cats fight sitting down, leaning far back from their opponent to avoid flashing claws, while batting the fresh-air feebly and vaguely in the vicinity of their opponents whiskers. It can be embarrassing to watch.

Attach tatty whiskers to our three political characters and add baggy boxer shorts with the words Mugarbage, Chinless Chinamasa and Mangy Mnangagwa respectively emblazoned on them, and the picture I was constructing in my mind will start to gel in yours.

Of course, to believe this rumour I would have to be believe the ‘friend‘ and the ‘someone else‘. And I would have to believe the ‘big-wig‘ whoever he may have been - and if he said anything, what axe was he grinding? Maybe one to be filed under subsection “For-heaven’s-sake-get-over-it-and-save-our-country” in the Zanu PF folder?

I would also have to be convinced that ‘everyone‘ knew. Weighing the pros and cons, and still simply amusing myself, I explored this last point and asked a woman who is a cleaner in a friend’s office if she had ‘heard about Mnangagwa?’

“The fight? Oh yes, everyone knows”.

My jaw dropped.

“Apparently Mnangagwa went for Chinamasa and klapped him and then he turned on Mugabe” she said, earnestly informing me that Mnangagwa managed to get Mugabe’s glasses off before the bodyguards stopped him: “Then they beat him [Mnangagwa] up like crazy”.

Oh dear, trying to grab someone’s glasses is definitely a hissy-spitty-fit. That insight aside, I now had two sources: one from Harare and one from Bulawayo. How the heck does that happen in an information vacuum, I wondered? (Never underestimate the power of word-of-mouth and sms!)

So now I did what anyone with access to the Internet would do and typed ‘Mnangagwa’ into  good-ole-Google. And here it is, starting in the forums of NewZimbabwe.com, and run as a piece on the same site. But this time the story is a bit different:

Rumour 1 (note the necessary citation of mysterious big-wig to lend credibility):

They were in a caucus meeting debating on who will be included in the cabinet and who is gonna be left out in the cold. The atmosphere was so tense since everyone in that room wanted to preserve their status quo. Emmo got so pissed off at Mugabe and walked right up to him and started shouting at him whilst pointing a finger into Bob’s face. Bob’s bodyguards restrained Emmo and gave him a bit of a slapping as they ejected him from the room.

This wasnt the end of it. They then went to Emmos house that same night and really thrashed him to a point that he was hospitalized.

Dont ask me for a source. You dont even have to buy the story but I am just giving it to you the way I was told by the ZANU minister.

Rumour 2:

Emerson confronted Mugabe about his denial of a deal deadlock and the fast tracking yeCabinet.

Mudhara is understood to have been thoroughly pissed. Upon calming down Bob requested private audience(as he usually does when sh*t gets out of control) with Ngwenya upon his return to state house.

Ngwenya only showed up for the appointment almost an hour late around 17:50 as Mugabe’s motorcade was just about to leave statehouse for a unspecified destination (probably his Zvimba homestead)

Ngwenya was speaking through the open limousine window demanding that Bob give him audience. Ngwenya had his arm reached through the window and held Mugabe lightly on the shoulder while looking him straight in the eye. He said “Comrade nyaya iripano iri serious dai matombosiyana nezvekuenda kwaZvimba izvi”

This is when all hell broke loose, right there on statehouse grounds. just after the roundabout in front of the entrance hall.
Mudhara akaita zvokuramwira ndokusundira door reLimo . Emmo was caught in the way and upon trying to back out of the away tripped akadonhera muHedge. Mudhara’s bodyguards panicked as they thought a situation had developed. ndopakaitika fracas yose.

Emmo didn’t really get beat up he just got hustled a bit and all he got was a few scratches from his encounter ne hedge.

He left with his tail between his legs and hasn’t been heard from since.

Well, I’m loving the fact in Rumour 2 that ‘Emmo’ has been given a tail. Make it a stripey tabby-tail and add boxer shorts and we’re heading for my version which is still my favourite. Contrary to the fairytale-like ending to Rumour 2 that he left and “hasn’t been heard from since” - he has been heard of, and  it seems he has heard the rumours too:

According to NewZimbabwe:

A smiling Mnangagwa told New Zimbabwe.com that the rumours were the work of unnamed rivals “who have never missed an opportunity to smear me”.

“As you can see I am in good health and fit as a fiddle. I have heard all these stories but there is nothing I can do to stop this nonsense,” Mnangagwa told our correspondent in Harare.

“I don’t know the reason behind this but maybe it is the usual suspects who have said many things about me in the past.”

So there you have it. An example of ‘news’ Zimbabwe-style.

I dismissed this as a yet another rumour whipping around our nation.  But the captioned baggy boxer shorts, tails, and whiskers… they’re staying.

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