Zimbabwe will never be a colony again

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That is because it has already been over colonised starting with the British who swapped flags with us on 18 April 1980, followed by the North Koreans who helped us decimate our population by 20 000 people, then very briefly the Malaysians. After that, there was a lull until Ghadaffi took a short walk to colonialism across the bridge at the Chirundu border post. Driving to Harare, his beady eye caught sight of rolling farmland after rolling farmland. He even stopped along the way to announce to bemused peasants that he was now lord of the revolution. By the time he reached Harare the ink was barely dry on the deals that mortgaged Zimbabwean land for oil that never provided the much-touted panacea to self-inflicted Zimbabwean economic ills.

Then Ghadaffi let down our dear leader by selling out to the west and going to bed with Blair.

So our dear leader turned for the final run to a “tried and trusted” friend in China whose economy is growing at a tremendous clip. As we looked east into the sunrise at the end of the racetrack, announcements of impending deals threw the nation into a frenzy as major deal after major deal galloped our way. Or did it? The Chinese, of course, reciprocated by not making it to the finish line and the Zimbabwean ambassador to China became the fall guy. Our dear leader, desperate for friends, has continued to woo China who are only too happy to colonise us at arms length. This colonisation has taken two forms:

First, the flooding of cheap and poor quality Chinese products into our market to the detriment of our own production. This has led to the closure of a wide range of businesses in Zimbabwe - from small shops who cannot compete against the deluge, to the loss of thousands of jobs in the textile industry. Our leaders prefer to support jobs in China than jobs at home.

The second impact has been the second mortgage bond on mines, farms and various industries for a few tractors that find their way on to the chefs’ farms rather than to the people in whose name the chaotic and ruinous land reform was carried out.

Our dear leader has proved once again that he is ready to buy cheap tractors that do not last long but, that is not all, the tractors are destined to benefit a few fat chefs.

Has China colonised Zimbabwe? Big time! Has this colonisation benefited the people? Small time! Even “Comrade Mbeki” has warned Africa against being fodder for China’s economic growth. The traffic is one way, the chefs benefit in a very large and private way, and the people continue to grind out a miserable living while the chefs wine and dine the Chinese at the Sheraton.

There is worse to come. A country whose name did not feature in the Zimbabwean press for over twenty five years is now flavour of the year: Equatorial Guinea. We bet 99% of the population would be hard pressed to locate Equatorial Guinea on the map. This little backwater led by a tyrant with impressive credentials in the top ten hit-parade of dictators and mad men is waiting in the wings to become Zimbabwe’s next coloniser. It is fashionable.

Yes, it is true that Zimbabwe will never be a colony of Britain again; that title has been passed on to more like-minded friends who kill their uncles to get into power, crush revolutions by killing up to five thousand people a day in places like Tianamen Square, and form a solidarity ring with our mad men as long as it helps all sides stay in power.

By the time our mad men leave office, Zimbabweans will be saddled with a huge debt plus interest for the next three generations. It is time to take back our country or remain colonised for the rest of our lives.

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