Zanu PF politburo meets on keeping election results a secret (humourous)
This highy amusing comment from The Cape Times (South Africa) was brought to my attention by my daily zwnews email:
The Zanu PF politburo gathered in sombre mood.
“I thought the elections were free and fair,” said one member. “SADC promised us they would be declared free and fair even before they took place.”
“They would have been free and fair if we had won them,” said another. “But there was a terrible mistake and the MDC won them, so they weren’t free and fair after all.”
“Can’t we count the votes again?” suggested a third. “You know, two for us and one for them, like we used to.”
“We’ve already done that, and they still win,” said the first. “We can’t go on counting the votes over and over again.”
“What was the result exactly?” asked a general.
“Shhh,” said a police chief, “you’ll send him into a rage again. You’ve seen how he can’t bear to hear it. The main thing is we have declared it to be classified information, and anyone found guilty of releasing it will be tried for treason. If those figures get into the wrong hands, life in Zimbabwe could change for all of us.”
Everyone shuddered at the thought.
“But when will we release the figures?” persisted the general. “We can’t keep them secret for ever.”
“We’ll keep them secret until we have another election, with better figures,” said the police chief.
“I know what,” said an administration secretary, “we’ll just invert the figures. We’ll give 72% to the president instead of the 27% he really got … ”
There was a roar of anger from the head of the table, and the secretary had to dodge a flying water bottle.
“Sorry, boss, I meant the 27% that those crooks in the electoral commission said you got. And we’ll give 35% to Tsvangirai instead of the 53% we all know he didn’t get.”
“Will Mbeki fall for that?” asked the general.
“He’ll fall for anything,” said the police chief. “Aziz Pahad can explain to him it was all a misrepresentation by the media.”
“I don’t know why we bother to have elections,” said a senior politburo member. “Unless you have pre-arranged to win them, what’s the point?”
One man who had kept very quiet finally spoke up. “The fact is, the people have expressed their will in this election,” he said.
“The people’s will se ma se …,” retorted the senior politburo member rudely, only he said it in Shona.
“The main thing is to protect our land from the whites,” said the administration secretary.
“But we’ve chased nearly all the whites off it,” said the quiet man. “And kyk hoe lyk ons nou.” Only he said this in Shona, too.
“But they’ll come back under Tsvangirai,” argued the police chief.
“If they do, maybe we’ll get some food production going again,” said the quiet man.
There was a bellow of fury from the head of the table, and guards quickly dragged the quiet man out of the room. When they shut the door, you could hardly hear his screams of pain.
“With luck,” said the police chief, “we can get him to confess he rigged the whole election.”
April 8th, 2008 15:31
Brilliant!
April 8th, 2008 18:39
It would be funny but it sounds so true if you live in Zimbabwe. We are in trouble and the International community has come and gone as observers. The elections were declared free and fair before their conclusion by the useless monitors after they had a lovely holiday in Zimbabwe.The Power vacuum is palpable and the ZANUPF politburo has moved to fill the void. Former Ministers and Deputy Ministers are clinging to obsolete titles (sources of illegitimate power) and prancing about because there is no more control.Cry the beloved country, you were once the rose of the world.
April 8th, 2008 18:40
So this Mugabe guy thinks he can go against the whole nation just to defend his criminal acts he has been doing with his merciless cronies. Is that man human. Is it true that he is a member of the satanist movement?
April 8th, 2008 19:00
Once you have been power that long you begin to take the people for granted and your level of arongance increases with every day. The man is 84 years old and being taken advantage of. He has been personally been assured of a future inside the country, but his side kicks are not assured any immunity hence they are playing on his ego to blindly lead them whilst he self destructs.The Mafia element is the one in control and we are best advised to negotiate an exit for these men and women who have never held a decent job in their lives. A guaranteed pension could do wonders provided all siphoned funds are accounted for course. With electronic movement of money & info we will fund the slush funds.
April 8th, 2008 19:21
We can always print some other bearer’s cheques and give those men some hefty exit packages? Thats the Zim way of solving issues?
April 9th, 2008 00:38
This ‘humourous’ post hides a very serious and pertinent message. That is that using violence when there is no other alternative is very different from Mugabe using it to overcome anyone who challenges his authority. The main ‘beneficiaries’ of Mugabe’s wrath have been his own people all along. The white community was just used as a means of gaining votes and was not his perceived main threat. It is about time that Mbeki and other African leaders acknowledge this.
April 9th, 2008 10:33
Just how many people would be involved in this ‘exit strategy’? It is naive to think of the number as being workable in any way, it would be like trying to provide an exit visa for every killer in the 1994 Rwandan massacres. ‘They’ are not interested in appeasement, they are committed to maintaining the power base in its entirety and their ‘old man’ is the best, the wisest, the strongest, the most experienced figurehead they could hope to hold.There are no quick fixes to be found here and running to the international community complaining of injustice will not bring about the shift either; the decision to leave Zimbabwe to its own leaders was made years ago and there is nothing today that will change it. Except the rights to oil, gold and diamonds in large quantities, in which case..
April 9th, 2008 11:16
The HC is meeting again now, unless they have finished. I understand that MRT is working hard talking to people. Let’s put our backs to the wheel and help, but like a car stuck in mud, gently on the pedal will get us out faster. Understanding how each of us helps a little to the collective effort is what is important now. Everyone doing one millimetre in a controlled and thoughtful way.
I suggested to an American he calls his congressman and senator to ask what the USA is doing and to call back after 24 hours, and call back, and call back, and to drill down to the question in your last sentence. What is the interest of the USA? He seems to be willing to do it.
What do other people think? Can we encourage our colleagues all over the world to ask questions, lots of questions, of politicians, NGO’s, embassies, and newspapers. A lot of the report is anything other than investigative!!
For that matter, does anyone know what has happened to George Chiweshe, chairman of ZEC. Was he at the High Court today? Is he safe?
April 9th, 2008 12:15
Bravo to all at Sokwanele for this website and blog.